I haven’t had any coffee, but my mind is racing like crazy. It must be the long phone calls that I’ve had this evening combined with the non-stop Christmas music I’ve been playing. And yet I’m sleepy too. And I ought to get to bed soon so that I don’t sleep the morning way. But I’m jazzed! Seeing Ric & Andy interact, two of my boyfriends together, barhopping for 3 hours up & down Halsted, winter in the air & too much heat in this apartment, Peggy Lee singing “Happy Holidays” with a bossa nova beat from 1968 … it’s an awful lot going on in a short time.

I swear I haven’t had any caffeine. Nothing to drink at all, though if I want to calm down I ought to think about a beer. And gosh I’ve been horny. Sex this morning & jacking off twice. What the heck is going on? It must be related to seeing part of “Queer As Folk” at Spin & being around all the hormones and public interaction. Crazy. Don’t work till noon at least. I forgot to eat dinner. I’m glad I’m finally writing something, turning this energy into tangible form. These Christmas lights are great. Hard to think of all the misery that must be going on somewhere else in the world. There are times when empathy just seems abstract. Do we really live & die alone? I like being with Andy and losing my sense of ME, losing my sense of being me by myself always never being able to escape from myself. It goes away for awhile when we’re together. And I’m more aware of being with him, more aware of what he is & who I’m with.

George Shearing does a lovely version of “Snowfall” and so does Billy May. I’m going to bring all this Christmas music into the coffeehouse tomorrow for sure. I want to really try spiked egg nog this year. I want to add it to my list of experiences.