Boy, I feel so blah and lazy today. I don’t really want to stay home all day but I have no idea where to go. I’m not feeling very creative these days. Inside me there’s that creative spark somewhere, but no outlet for it seems to be engaging me. Which makes me depressed.

Yes, I have to say that I’ve just been depressed for the past week or so. I’m not worried … I mean, I know this stuff comes and goes. But it’s still a drag. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve been reading a lot, and I enjoy reading, but I can’t read 24/7. And besides Andy, it seems like none of my friends have been calling me. I really don’t have that many friends; I mean people who are just gonna call me up & say hey, what’s up? Haven’t heard from my parents either since I wrote the e-mail telling them that I’m spending Christmas with Andy. The silence is maddening. I still have no idea what kind of response I’ll eventually get from them. It made me very unhappy to have to write to them and say that but I don’t know what else I could have done. I guess there weren’t any good options. It must have really hurt them, to read that. They don’t realize that they’re being cruel shutting out that side of me, that side that has a boyfriend and wants to spend the holidays with him but knows that it would be impossible for me to bring a boyfriend home to my parents. And my brother is travelling on business right now, Atlanta for two weeks I think, so I can’t even get in touch with him . I should have gotten his e-mail address last time we talked. I don’t know how he’s going to feel about this whole thing either.

Anyway, back to not having anyone call me, or make plans with me. I feel this most acutely on Saturday nights, when Andy closes at work and so I have the night to myself. The past two Saturdays I’ve gotten off work, vaguely anxious about perhaps hanging out with someone or going to see a movie or something. But nothing materialized. I ended up reading and surfing the net all night long more or less.

Really I just wanted to share an experience with someone, like how Andy & I share things; that’s what connects us and makes us friends. Friendship is what our relationship is based on. I think it’s easy for people to forget that about how relationships work. It’s not all so mystical.

I have plenty of writing I could be working on, or pieces I could be submitting places, but no excitement for that stuff at the moment. So I’m listening to “Before And After Science” by Brian Eno and “Go” by Dexter Gordon, and they’re both appropriate somehow.

On Thursday when my cold first hit me & I felt rotten all day, I went to Border’s and bought “Side by Side” by Ellington/Hodges and that lifted my spirits. But then the tray of my CD player got jammed again, and it wouldn’t unjam, and I had to bring it to a repair shop. The guy said it’s going to take a few weeks and might cost $100. Luckily I had no CDs stuck in it at the time. And my VCR is badly distorting the sound whenever I watch a tape; I’ve cleaned the heads and still no improvement. Seems like every time I’m about to pay off my credit card, stuff happens …

Grumble grumble. How boring. Andy is coming over in an hour or two and I guess we’ll just hang out and see what happens. I just want to cuddle and talk. Though I don’t know what to say. If it was all rainy outside I’ll feel much better,I’d actually feel like going somewhere, but instead it’s warm and cloudy.

Haven’t even showered yet. Maybe I’ll feel better if I do?