Grrr. I hate being the low man on everyone’s social totem pole. One LJ friend has apparently forgotten my existence, blowing me off last weekend without even so much as an ackowledgement. Another friend just informed me that he’s been avoiding contact with me all week because of something I did when I saw him in NYC while I was visiting. We then had an awkward chat online, which ended when he typed “well i better go. bye.” I bought a new cordless phone last Sunday and it has rung EXACTLY ONCE with a phone call for me; the phone call was from a friend who said he’d call me today (and hasn’t). No one in this whole fucking city has even asked me what I’m up to this weekend, let alone if I’D LIKE TO HANG OUT.

And I know that some people like to say, “O well you have a boyfriend. So what are you whining about?” It takes more than a boyfriend, no matter how wonderful or affectionate or fascinating, to have a satisfying social life, folks. It takes friends who aren’t so busy that they forget to call you, or write you an email. It takes friends who actually make a commitment to spend time with you. It takes friends who have the thoughtfulness to say, “Yeah, I haven’t gotten around to reading your book yet, I’m sorry, but it’s on my list,” or “I got the video you sent me but I haven’t been able to watch it yet; I promise I will” or “Thanks a lot for the CD, I’ll tell you what I think once I listen to it” without nagging on my part.

I’m so drained by the effort of trying to hold my friendships together. It seems that 9 times out of 10 I’m the one doing all the work. And I’m tired of trying to form new friendships, only to have them fizzle out because the other person just decides to drop me.

Right now I’m so misanthropic that I feel like going into a cave for a week. But that feeling would go away at once … if only the phone would ring.