As many of you know, these goons have been searching practically everyone who comes to the Chicago Outdoor Film Festival and confiscating any alcohol. Last Tuesday, I was a victim. Next week they’re showing “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington,” and in the spirit of Yankee ingenuity I don’t intend to be victimized again! If only we’d take a lesson from the UK, where you see people on the streets staggering about with their cans of Fosters all the time, and you DON’T see mass chaos as a result. But until we can change the system …

Here’s my plan. I shall make up a large thermos or two of completely NON-ALCOHOLIC punch. Or I shall simply bring some 2-liter bottles of suitable mixers (such as Hawaiian Punch, 7-UP, whathaveyou). If the goons harrass me, I’ll either say, “Be my guest, take a drink,” and shall offer them a glass of punch (which I doubt they’ll take), or I’ll merely point to my quite innocent 2-liters and say, “Sir, I only have these soft drinks.” They’ll wave me through.

HOWEVER, I will ALSO be carrying a six-pack of bottled water, still joined together with the plastic O-ring connector. Beforehand, I will gently open and empty three of the six bottles, still leaving said bottles attached with the connector. Using a funnel, I shall fill the now-empty bottles with either vodka (looks like water) or rum (also looks like water). When full, I merely screw on the caps tightly. And VOILA, I have a completely harmless looking six-pack of bottled water (half of which is actually alcohol).

Once I have made my way to the gathering of my dear friends, and the sun has gone down, and all is quiet and dim, I simply portion out the mixers and alcohol into cups. And it’s suddenly cocktail hour. As it should have been IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Do you think my plan will work?