RandomCha

This is the limbo week: the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day. It doesn’t feel like 2003 really but it isn’t 2004 yet. Strange things always happen every year around this time for me. Sometimes it feels great, sort of existing outside of time, drifting along 7 days that don’t really count, lapse of accountability. And other times it’s extremely unsettling, no moorings to fasten on to, instability. Like, “Where am I?”

I’m a bit discombulated. This weekend was difficult for Andy and I. There were real highs and lows. Christmas Day was wonderful, and the 26th too. But then yesterday we took down the tree and the lights and everything around the apartment looks as it did before Christmas. And maybe we needed a bit of time apart from each other after 2 intense days of Christmas. None of our friends stepped in to provide that, or give us an excuse for some ‘time off’ however. And neither of us seemed brave enough to step up and say, “Can I be on my own for a bit?”

So Saturday and Sunday was a tango of mood swings: cranky, happy, cuddly, envy, serene, uncomfortable, smiling fuzzy Margarita mood courtesy of Las Pinatas followed by unpleasant tactlessness. Unsettled. I’m trusting things will settle down. But I regret last night. We ended the evening watching the “Vertigo” DVD he gave me for Christmas, but then I had to go to bed.

There’s so much pressure to experience CLOSURE during this week, the need to get things in order as the year ends. Sometimes that’s really tough, especially when you know that certain things just won’t be signed, sealed or delivered by December 31st.

(My favorite line from “It’s A Wonderful Life).

I prefer Coke. Pepsi is too sweet. But Pepsi has a cooler name. And actually, I like root beer best. It’s so American. I mean, I’ve had a few international pen pals over the years and not one of them knew what root beer tasted like. My guilty pleasure white trash cocktail is rum & root beer.

Today I feel good. I was tired and fuzzy-headed all day yesterday, maybe still on the verge of getting ill, but today is good. Today at work is going by faster.

I’m bummed that my friends have largely bailed out on me for coming over the evening of Christmas Eve. I know it’s the holidays and people have their priorities. But blargh. What the hell am I supposed to do with the gallon of cider in the fridge?

Alright, Christmas Spirit. I know. I know. I need an infusion of Elvis Christmas music.

Tonight, Andy & I plan to watch, yes you guessed it, “It’s A Wonderful Life.” Before you moan and roll your eyes, I wish you’d think about what a special film this is.

–Although it ends happily, let’s not forget how DARK it is really is. I mean, it opens with a suicide attempt!

–Bedford Falls is not “the perfect little town.” In fact, it’s filled with alcoholism, poverty, greed, and insensitivity. Cynics have claimed that the film shows only a “Norman Rockwell” view of America, but that simply isn’t true; it doesn’t show a town that is ONLY CAPABLE of good but rather a town IS CAPABLE of good.

I just have a soft spot in my heart for this film. Along with “Rear Window,” I believe it’s one of the ultra-rare examples of a film that has the “perfect” screenplay. What could you change to make it any better?

This is one of the films on the list of Films That Make Rob Cry. How could this NOT be on my list? The interesting thing is that it seems like I get teary-eyed during a different part of the film each time I watch it. My tradition, of course, is to watch it at Christmastime. The ending usually makes me go weak, all the money and gifts being piled on the table and everyone laughing and giving and Donna Reed hugging all the children. But the scene with grief-stricken Mr. Gower where he slaps poor little George has also made me start bawling. The same goes for when George saves his brother Harry when he falls through the ice. And, silly as it seems, I’ve even cried during the OPENING CREDITS. Just the anticipation of what’s to come (including the praying montage near the beginning) gets me watery.

I can see why “Holiday Inn” is a bit hard to find. The blackface sequence for Lincoln’s Birthday leaves a yucky taste in your mouth.

I just talked on the phone with Ed, the owner of Unabridged Books. He got the copy of 100SP but explained that they don’t sell books either on consignment or “single books from single publishers.” This is pretty disappointing because this is one of the leading ‘independent’ bookstores in Chicago! He also said, “It may be creative but it’s difficult from a shelving point of view and also marketing.” Quimby’s has sold about 10 copies already! Should I even mess with Unabridged? Well, I didn’t want to decide that right there and then out loud over the phone. So I plowed ahead. After I did a little pitch about the local buzz I’ve gotten and then offering him 2 FREE copies to stock, he hesitated for a minute and said, “I’ll ask the guys here what they think.” He asked for my number here at work and then said he’d call me back. So we’ll see.

It’s sad when an indie bookstore starts running things like Waldenbooks.

1 George W. Bush and his administration have done everything they could to fuck things up in 2003. Every thing they could. Instant Karma is going to get them in 2004. I really do hope that Michael Moore’s upcoming film “Fahrenheit 911” is released on schedule next October and that it stirs things up enough to make a difference. And I hope that Howard Dean gets the nomination, because he’s our best hope of booting Bush back to his ranch in Texas.

2 Work was pretty unpredictible this year. At the beginning of 2003, there’s no way I would have guessed that (a) I’d have a new job taking orders for toner cartridges and getting paid more for doing it than any other job I’ve ever had, and (b) that Andy would be fired from Branes & Noble for a stupid, petty ‘offense’ and then 3 months later be hired on to work at the Newberry Library. And I also couldn’t have predicted him deciding to go back to school. But all in all, jobwise, this year is ending on some good notes. So far, I like my job; I mean, getting to surf the net & do some writing while at work is great, but my co-workers are also nice and the work itself is surprisingly involving. And working at the Newberry will be exactly what Andy needs in his life right now.

3 I saw some damn good movies this year, including (but not limited to): “Lost In Translation,” “21 Grams,” “The Intruder,” “Dark Days,” “On The Beach,” “Forest,” “The Hours of the Day,” “In The Bedroom,” “The Honeymoon Killers,” “Looney Tunes: Back In Action,” and “Images.” It was easier to just stay at home and watch them on DVD because we started subscribing to http://www.greencine.com in June. Movies are too expensive. Paying $9.25 is only worth it if it’s something you really, really want to see.

4 I don’t think I was as excited about music this year as I have been in the past. I think my CD buying dropped off a little. I’m not sure why. I guess I was more into taking stock of what my favorites are and familiarize myself with the stuff I already have. It was so cool to have “On The Beach” by Neil Young on CD finally!

5 This was the year I finally published the book! I hope I have enough momentum to carry me over into 2004. Getting some great encouragement and rave reviews from others have really made the difference. And getting Greg Allen to write an amazing blurb for the back cover was one of the most satisfying moments of my life (thus far).

6 Andy and I have changed in our relationship over the past year. I’d like to think that we are more aware of making sure not to take things for granted between us; it doesn’t mean that our intimacy is more tenuous than before, it just means that we better appreciate the beauty of our intimate moments more than a year ago. Andy losing his job just as I was hired for a new job created some very awkward “A Star Is Born”-type situations that have nearly driven both of us crazy.

7 I’ve really enjoyed writing in my LJ more often and also being more open about things in my LJ. I hope I don’t regret that. I hope that the servers aren’t suddenly erased, wiping out all my words. But then again, I could work with that. It reminds me of one of the stories that was in an early draft of 100SP but one that I eventually discarded. It’s a Zen anecdote. A Zen poet used to work very hard on his poems, spending several hours crafting each one until it was as perfect as it could be. When the poem was finished, he would take the only copy of the poem, roll it up, stick it in a bottle with a cork on it and then carry it down to the river which ran near his hut. Then he would gently place the bottle in the current and watch it float away. The moral: you have to have enough confidence in your craft to just let go of your writing; you can’t remain possesive of it.

8 TV has just gotten even more inane and irrelevant to my life in 2003. I look forward to seeing “Angels in America” eventually but aside from that, I can’t think of any good shows that were on this year. Reality TV is just crap, plain and simple. Only things worth watching are the news and re-runs. Which is just fine, because TV is by and large a real waste of time.

9 I am so amazingly glad that I sprung for a new computer this year. It is a joy.

10 There are lots of reasons why I shouldn’t, I suppose, but somehow, at least at this moment, I feel a PEACE about things. Best Wishes Everyone for 2004 & Peace To All.

It’s Tuesday. It’s boring. I have to stay until 5 today instead of the usual 3.30 because a co-worker asked to switch shifts today; he has a doctor’s appointment.

Believe it or not, I’m actually sitting here listening to Barry White at work. It makes me a lot happier knowing that I have a job where I can do that, no problem.

Sadly, I can’t think of anything insightful right now. I’m not exactly hungry, but 2 Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnuts with a medium cup of coffee sound so damn good right now. I had a turkey sandwich for lunch and some Ritz crackers. Everything tastes better when it’s sitting in a Ritz.

Andy is starting a project today for Tchavdar. He’s been given 3 movies on video to transcribe, i.e. watch the movie and put everything onscreen into screenplay format. It shouldn’t take too long and he’s getting $300 for doing it. Tchavdar is the kind of filmmaker who always has odd little assignments like that to parcel out.

Tchavdar was one of the editors on the 3 films, which are actually six episodes of a Russian-made-in-America-in-English television series that have been edited into 3 films. It’s a cop show. The basic premise has an ex-policeman from Moscow relocating to West Hollywood and starting a P.I. agency, encountering such B-level actors as Sean Young and Gary Busey.

Tchavdar shared another reasonably amusing Los Angeles anecdote with me, the kind that he’s famous for. We were talking about Gary Busey and he told me that he was kind of difficult to work with. One of the producers of the TV show is a lady, and one of her duties was to pick up Gary Busey each morning at his home and drive him in a limo to the day’s location for shooting. One morning she showed up at his house and rang the front-doorbell. He opened the door, stark naked.

Right now I’m listening to Emmylou Harris’ cover of “For No One” and it’s even more achingly sad than the original. It’s beautiful; somehow very in synch with a wintry Monday morning at the office.

Saddam Hussein, who murdered hundreds of thousands, will probably get better legal representation and a more comfortable time in prison than any of the hundreds of detainees at Guantanomo Bay, who have neither been charged with any crimes nor even been allowed to see any lawyers at all.