RandomCha

Writing, job, all more or less satisfactory. All that’s missing is some mind-blowing sex with someone like Corey Summers … the fantasy of a porn life is pretty shallow and meaningless and yet seductive. All the more so because of its utter impossibility. It’s a form of escapism that’s pretty harmless, a lot more harmless than watching that Ted Danson sitcom that’s been on for years and yet no one can remember 10 minutes after it’s over.

O I love Andy and he almost smashed his fist into the wall when the phone rang this morning at 8.15 and it was his manager calling for no good reason except to apply some absurd intimidation and he didn’t even get home until 4 last night. He fumed and clenched his teeth and then sat down and cranked out lotsa words on his novel. See, that stuff is good for art. Very juicy details. Just don’t want him to go postal …

Maybe we’ll catch a movie tonight. I should be home by 9. Question is: even I DID start working out, what sort of routine would I do and how would I come up with one? Would I turn into the kind of guy that’s always baffled me?

I have to leave in about 5 minutes in order to interview this guy for work … when I showed up last week he explained that he works the graveyard shift and that 8 am would be the only time for us to do the interview. I damn well hope he remembers and doesn’t stand me up or else I’ll have to get this case reassigned, I’ll be so angry.

Republicans in control, woohoo. At least Jim Ryan didn’t win.

Chatted a lot two nights ago with Jon online. He’s a real cool cat. I wish he was posting his novel online. I wonder what it’s like. I wonder how many people are reading mine. Andy put his online yesterday; I hafta play catch up now.

The novel is going great. I’m pleasantly surprised so far. After my my writing this morning my word count stands at 6,901 words. Almost 20% of the way there … wow. I’m finding that if I write nonstop for 1 hour then I can get through my ‘word count’ for the day. An hour a day isn’t bad.

Job is going fine. It hardly feels like working once I’m out in the neighborhood, going around. I’ve done 5 interviews so far. One of the hardest things about the job I think is finding a bathroom when I need one! Heheh. I don’t like all the paperwork too much. Forces me to be more organized than I’ve ever been about anything in my whole life probably. I was never this organized at school.

Still actually have some emails I want to write later! All these words! They’ll probably turn out brief and choppy, but they’ll at least be a sign of life.

This cool guy from Michigan named Jon spotted my livejournal somehow and wrote me a few really nice emails. He decided to do nanowrimo after reading my stuff! That’s great. His livejournal is really amusing. Reminds me of John Cusack in “High Fidelity.” I added him to my friends list. I wish I knew more people like him & Steven here in CHICAGO. Between all the writing and reading I’m doing, I’m prety much set for the month. Yet there are still all these movies I want to see.

Andy’s friend Stana from Seattle stayed with us this weekend and that was pretty fun. She had fun here. No more houseguests for awhile I think. We talked about Thanksgiving this morning. Might just be Andy & I again this year.

Well, it’s the last day of October. The month really went by fast this year, that’s for sure. It got cold sooner than any year I can remember. It was beautiful too. The trees really look like living flames out there. It’s interesting, walking around and noticing everything. There’s still that beautiful orange glowing light that allows you to see everything.

The first two days out in the field have gone fine. I’ve only dealt with a few wackos so far. But it’s true, West Town is really diverse. There are condos next door to buildings that could be condemned; you see an SUV parked near subsidized housing. My first day out I didn’t do any interviews at all. Most people weren’t home, some weren’t interested. Made a few appointments to come back on another day. Yesterday I conducted two interviews. One was a woman in her early 30’s, the other was a woman who was 27. Oddly enough they were both bartenders. I think everything went well. I went a bit slower than usual to make sure everything I was doing was correct. They appreciated the $40 they got for taking part. Honestly, if it wasn’t for the money then I think that even less people would consent to the whole thing.

I have my first check-up meeting with my supervisor this afternoon. Hopefully he’ll be okay with everything. I’m trying my best to stay very organized. It’s tough; there’s a ton of material. My backpack weighs at least 30 pounds. Slogging it all over town.

Found a cool little coffeehouse at Chicago/Damen, Atomix Coffee. I don’t think it’s related to the old Atomix Cafe that used to be next door to the Village North theatre in Rogers Park. Anyway it was nice to sit in there for 15 minutes during my break today. Since I’ll be back in the neighborhood about 5 times a week I think I’ll make it a regular stop.

I’ll get home from work about 9 tonight. Then Andy & I will watch some scary movie or something. And then, just after the stroke of midnight, we will start our NOVELS. I’m geared up. Made some notes and stuff but still flying a bit blind. Just jump right into National Novel Writing Month.

A note to everyone: seeing as how I will be needing to write about 1675 words a day on the novel, EACH DAY, I probably won’t be writing much here in my livejournal. Instead I will be posting the novel online as I write it. So bookamrk http://www.geocities.com/randomc75/bluefogsummary.html and go there often to read what I’m writing. It’s cheaper than a movie and less work than channel surfing. In fact, reading my novel over the course of November is your best entertainment value.

I’ve chosen a quote by Mose Allison to preface the novel, from his song “Everybody’s Crying Mercy”:

Everybody’s crying, ‘Peace On Earth, just as soon as we win this war.’

Everything’s going fine. Finally getting around to laundry this morning. My work schedule should be all afternoons & evenings so that leaves my mornings free to write, write, write. I’ll probably go out into the field for the first time tomorrow. My training concludes tonight.

Yesterday I bought the Sam Prekop CD at Reckless and I really really like it. It’s angular in a way that usually turns me off, but somehow the sound is so warm and cozy that it draws me in. Like a chamber album.

Rented “In The Mouth of Madness” on Saturday and it’s the worst film I’ve seen since “The Swarm.” Just terrible. Poor Sam Neill, he does his best. It’s certainly better than the movie deserved. “Naqoyqatsi” was pretty amazing. Andy & I saw it at the Biograph on Friday. I’d like to see it again this week sometime. i don’t think it’ll play there for long. There’s too much to see in just one viewing.

Yawn. Just kind of floating through the morning. Andy bought me “Super-Cannes” by J.G. Ballard as a kind of found-a-job-finally present. Next in line when I finish Faulkner.

Got a job! Research Interviewer for UIC. I will conduct field interviews with residents of neighborhoods throughout Chicago on various topics, the first study being one on health care. The subjects are compensated for their time (they receive $40 for a 45-minute interview) so hopefully everyone will be a bit more friendly and willing to participate than they would otherwise. I start training tomorrow & Sunday. Yes, huge relief. It was too good to pass up. The lady seemed impressed. I just did very well on the mock survey that was part of the test. The great news is that it’s paid training, all transportation is reimbursed, and all TRAVEL time is paid as well. I just couldnt say no to all that. It looks like my field interviewing will be done in humboldt park and/or west town. The study runs through January, at which time I may elect to do another study or possibly join the office staff at the reserach lab.

It’s certainly a weird sequence of events. It was listed on craigslist.org. I replied the same day, got a call, interviwed & hired the next day. Wow. Then this morning I shocked Anya & Shana by showing up at the coffeehouse at 6 am. I just woke up early. Whereas Andy had that late-night shift last night and didn’t even get into bed until 5.

With this job I choose my own hours basically, as long as I work a minimum of 18 per week. I’d like to do at least 25-30 a week. That’s enough to pay the bills. Frees up a lot of time for other things. There’ll be time enough for novel-writing in November. And of course due to the nature of the work, I won’t be working on holidays (people won’t want to be bothered on Thanksgiving with doing a survey). I’m just really hoping that there’s not some hidden snag to throw a monkey wrench in things.

It’s rainy, wet, cold, and gray this morning but it’s beautiful too.

Apparently my entry yesterday caused a great stir. I’d like to point out that mostly I was just venting my frustration in a semi-sarcastic way, i.e. I don’t really believe that there’s a shadowy conspiracy out there (a la Oliver Stone) which has arranged a Rob hiring freeze. However it’s true that I am perpetually smacking up against a towering wall of indifference, of silence, and it’s a wall that’s very hard to crawl over. I’m 27 years old, I have a well-composed resume and a cover letter to match, I’m literate, intelligent, energic. And it’s frustrating. Some of that will wind up in the novel.

Today I feel strangely better. So maybe the venting helped. I had an interview yesterday at Letizia’s that went well. I think I’m semi-ready to work there. It would take adjusting. I’m trusting that whatever happens, things will work out. Even now, I don’t regret quitting when I did. I guess it was something I needed to do. Crazy.

Got a call this morning from Ric in Vermont and we chatted for about half an hour. He’s going to quit his job too and just do some freelancing for awhile, but he’s got his savings and his partner Chris to support him. His friend Dan is visiting Chicago next week and he wants me to play tour guide. Hmm. Maybe.

Making dinner tonight for Andy and Steven. I’m looking forward to that. Light lunch so I don’t overeat. The sky overhead is stainless steel gray, flannel suit gray. Since I’ve already gone shopping for groceries, I might stay inside the rest of the day. Watching a movie would be nice. Naps. Getting published.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that it’s been so hard to find a job, especially with all these ‘office’ jobs I’ve been applying for. I keep forgetting that these people I’m applying with, the hiring people, are the same people who made fun of me and ostracized me in high school, went to more expensive and exclusive colleges than I did, and now are in many ways as foreign to me as another species. Why should I think they’d be eager to help me out now? They look at my cover letter, they look at my resume, they say to themselves, “Well he seems very creative, obviously has some talent there, but he doesn’t have the kind of practical office experience we’re looking for. That’s the breaks, kid.” So they find a junior member of their clan somewhere amongst all the letters and resumes and call him (or her) up for an interview and bingo, c’est fini. Generally speaking, “creativity” is not valued in the office world unless you’re going into advertising or sales, the two bastard sons of the professional sphere. Andy would back me up on this.

Yesterday I roamed around and applied at three places, all 3 more or less simliar to the job I just left. They practically wanted to hire me on the spot at Julius Meinl, but they’re 2-3 weeks from opening. That’s good because I have mixed feelings about working there. For one thing, it seems an inevitable step down in pay from Intelligentsia. Uncommon Grounds cheerfully accepted my application but I’m unsure about immediate openings there. Letiza’s was the best. It would be a coffeehouse I’d love working at. The girls were really friendly with me when I asked for an application, and after I turned it in one of them gave me a molasses cookie for free. It was damn good. I know they treat their employees very well there. Benefits, the whole 9 yards. The major drawback is that Letiza’s is pretty faraway, on the edge of Wicker Park really, and it would be a 45-minute commute to get there every day. I dunno, maybe that would be worth it.

Last night when Andy came home I told him about all this and he gave me some advice. It was good advice, but it made me cranky. I know I need to be more aggressive, pesky even about following up on my inquiries. I have to badger them into either saying “no” or giving me an interview. The thing that bothers me more than anything else perhaps are the way my ‘friends’ (or acquaintances at least) freely offer me all sorts of advice, but not one of them offers me any kind of concrete position somewhere to pursue. I don’t want generalities, I want a specific POSITION I can go after and interview for. I’ve gotten all the advice in the world. And I know it’s mostly through knowing someone that you can actually get a job. Will I end up back at Intelligentsia?

The weird thing is that I’m getting excited about http://www.nanowrimo.org and I’m really thinking about doing it. I don’t have any writing projects going (other than publishing the book, but that won’t happen now till I’ve had a job for awhile again). I have a title already too. “A Blue Fog That You Can Almost See Through.” November 1 through November 30.

So many movies I want to see, books I want to read, CD’s I want to buy. Can’t do any of that. I’m reading “Go Down, Moses” by Faulkner at the moment, and it’s surprisingly engrossing. I remember him being more of a difficult read than this. It’s tricky I mean but it pulls you along. “Naqoyqatsi” opens on Friday at the Biograph and come hell or high water I’m going to see it this weekend.

This is all so I can talk about (somewhat reluctantly) what I saw last night. Andy was out drinking with some of his friends from work, so I was home alone, waiting for him to come home. I was really horny and that didn’t help things. I chatted online for awhile but got really bored with that. I’d smoked a little pot to relax (which I try to do sparingly in order to make it last) and had a glass of red wine. I sat down in the front of the TV to see what was on. One channel was showing ‘Trick.’ That gay movie that also has Tori Spelling in it. The basic plot is that 2 cute young guys meet each other one evening in NYC but can’t seem to find anywhere to be alone. The whole movie is them trying to find a place to have sex. But the roommate won’t leave the apartment, his best friend won’t leave him alone, another friend offers his apartment but then it becomes unavailable, etc. etc.

Well one of the guys is a ‘shy’ aspiring broadway musical composer and the other guy is a go-go dancer. Both of them have impossibly toned, slim bodies, perfect faces, and lots of stereotypical friends that they encounter through the course of the evening. There’s the middle-aged cabaret queen, the female best friend who’s a fag hag, an ex-boyfriend who’s a drugged-out party boy, a drag queen named miss coco peru, the dumb straight roommate who just wants to get it on with his girlfriend, etc. That’s the whole movie.

I tried not to watch it, but every time I flipped the channel I eventually flipped it back. I ended up watching pretty much all but the first twenty minutes. It was grotesque but addicting, and I think the fact that I was stoned had something to do with it. I hated it, it made me squirm, but I couldn’t stop watching. And I think the main thing that bugged me about the movie is that these characters, I know they actually do exist somewhere, I mean there are people like that out there, but they aren’t part of my world. That’s not my world. These people would not be my friends, wouldn’t have any part of my life, wouldn’t even give me the time of day if I walked up and said hello. Bitter? I’m shut out from that ‘average’ gay lifestyle that includes clubbing every friday and saturday night until dawn, or taking lots of party drugs, or going to piano bars or circuit parties, or hanging out with cabaret queens or drag queens. That gay world exists but it’s not a part of me. It’s not the reason I came out, was not even the catalyst for coming out. Yet here’s this movie that says, look at all this, this is what being gay is about.

I don’t go clubbing on the weekends because at the coffeehouse I usually worked weekends, I had to be in bed early. I had no concept of weekends (and probably still don’t). It’s easy to spend lots of money at a bar. I prefer to spend my money on movies, or books, or buying cd’s, or even dining out or travelling. I never had vast quantities of cash I was willing to earmark for ‘nights out with the boys.’ That party life must begin when you’re 21, or younger. I’m 27 now, and chances are I won’t be altering my life in that direction.

Both guys in the movie, even the ‘shy, geeky, socially-awkward’ one, have amazing bodies, torsos that seem chiseled from flesh-marble, completely smooth. Even the guy who insists ‘I never go to bars’ is the ideal of what a gay guy who goes to bars looks like. both guys wear just the right clothes, fashionably tight, know all the hip places to go to, appear to be ‘struggling’ to make it in NYC—but the film lets us know that these guys still have nothing to worry about. they’re too beautiful and attractive to fail. The film presents a fictional, stylized world but still tries to pass it off as ‘this is what it’s like to be young and gay in NYC.’ It’s the same thing that bothers me about ‘Queer As Folk,’ the American version of the British tv show with all the gay characters.

It’s not real. It’s just one cliche transposing another. Trading the straight world’s stereotype of the gay lifestyle for the gay version of that stereotype. It’s not like ‘Love and Death on Long Island,’ with John Hurt and Jason Priestly, which is not about LIFESTYLE but instead about the specific characters in the story. This is my favorite ‘gay’ film. Few others that I’ve seen have its honesty and vividness.

“Trick” presents a fake world that I nonetheless feel rotten about being left out of. That’s the irony.

I wish I felt like writing. There’s nothing much on my mind. I’ve seen some films at the festival, but not as many as I wanted. Everything last night was sold out. Steven and I just hung out at the coffeehouse for awhile, drinking tea, and then walked over to Reckless and browsed. I didn’t get anything, of course. No income. Still no job leads. By this time next week if things remain unchanged, I will lower my standards and look for something retail, or in coffee. It’s tough: I’ve responded to many, many ads, but have heard back from zero. But my check from trnascribing is in the mail. Hopefully in a week, the Tic Tac check will be on its way as well (slow lunkheads).

The new Mike Davis book I’m reading, “Dead Cities,” is fascinating but awfully depressing. It makes me feel a sense of outrage. What sort of a society are we living in? Reading the Davis book and then watching “Powaqqatsi” earlier this week and then last night on TV, telling the truth cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die, Andy and I saw a commercial for a new OPERATION DESERT STORM VIDEO GAME. A VIDEO GAME for the ‘upcoming’ WAR! WAR as VIDEO GAME. Saddam as a cartoon character (“South Park” aside). How is satire possible when real life itself goes beyond satire? Bombings, Madonna films bombing but still making millions, can’t get an interview, white collar crime, police brutality, video game wars of wars that are video games, media that refuses to report anti-war protests, and new and amazing culture I can’t afford to experience because I have no money. Where am I?

This is part of the nothing that’s on my mind. Guess I need to use my Platnium Visa to buy myself a gym body and a total cable package. Rob called me this morning from New Mexico and said, “They don’t appreciate abstract art down here like they do in Chicago.”