If you’re not gay and you don’t want to marry someone of the same sex, why do you care? Yet still in the twenty-first century people are trying to put a ban on things that don’t even affect them. Remember those people who wanted to ban gangsta rap? They don’t listen to the music, so why do they care? You never saw Tipper Gore riding in her Escalade sitting on spinning rims, with the seat set way back bumping to some Ice Cube. “Naw Al, I’m not feeling this new Cube.” The same thing goes for the same-sex marriage law. If you’re not a gender sleeping with the same gender, what makes this issue affect you to the point of making signs and marching to ban it? I’d only put that much effort into an issue if there were something in it for me. “What? They want to ban the sale of alcohol after ten o’clock? Where’s my damn sign? I’m gonna go protest right after I sober up.”
I’m so sick of these busybodies like Gary Bauer who are going around the country trying to ban gay marriages. Why do you care? Are you really losing sleep, tossing and turning at night in your bed because Bob and Jim are getting married? Why do you care, unless you were planning on fucking Bob or Jim? “That Jim is hot; now he’s off the market.” Somehow gay couples being married affects their straight marriage. What, are you afraid that gays are going to be more successful in their marriages? Your wife is going to throw it in your face. “Dave and Jake are so happy. They never argue.” And you’re thinking, Yeah, well, if you let me fuck you in the ass a couple of times maybe we’d communicate a little better, too. I’m sure that’ll cheer things up around here.
The lame argument that they use is that marriage is a sacred union that is meant to be between only a man and a woman. By recognizing any other union, like a same-sex couple, it will desecrate the holy institution of marriage. I don’t think the only prerequisite for a legal marriage should be that it has to be between a man and a woman. If you want to make marriage sacred, you need to be even more selective. Like, where the hell were Bauer and the protestors when Liza Minelli married David Guest? Y’all should’ve been out there trying to stop that shit, too.
It seems to me that the conservatives are hung up on the word “marriage.” I say, let them keep marriage. It’s just a word, terminology. Gays just want their union to be legally recognized across the country. What they really want are the same benefits that marriage offers, which in my opinion are none. So gay couples should just come up with a word other than marriage that means the same thing. Hell, come up with something that’s better than marriage. Call it Mardi Gras! “I just got my invitation to Carol and Janet’s Mardi Gras.” Come on, who don’t like a good Mardi Gras? You can’t be mad about that. “Jake and Lester been Mardi Gras’d for thirty years.” Don’t let a word get in the way of your rights. Mardi Gras would be perfect. Gays love a good parade; have your Mardi Gras on a float. Give each other matching Mardi Gras beads. Write your own Mardi Gras vows. It will catch on. “Is this her first Mardi Gras?” “No, this is her second. She has three kids from a previous Mardi Gras.”
A Mardi Gras would be wonderful. You don’t have to subject your best friend to all that damn planning and inconvenience. No one has to worry about what to wear that day. Just come to party. You don’t have to remember some unimportant words you spent the night before trying to memorize. Married couples would look at gays in complete jealousy. It’s like married couples have to live up to the standards of what everyone thinks marriage should be.