if…. [1968]
1. A boy idly dangles a calendar between the fingers of one hand while picking his nose with the fingers of the other.
2. He examines his mustache, remarking, “My face is never-failing source of wonder to me.”
3. The jar contains an embalmed fetus. She takes it from him and carefully returns it to the cabinet. Then she leads them into a room behind the cabinet: a hidden arsenal.
The Sacrifice [1986]
1. He is a collector of incidents.
2. The story about the garden.
3. The house, engulfed in flames, collapses. And–cut.
The title of the film describes what the audience must make in order to watch it. It’s all intellect and no soul. I think one of the reasons I like STALKER so much is that Tarkovsky concentrates so much on the environment and atmosphere, which he excels at; the human elements don’t feel central to that movie. But THE SACRIFICE is all blah, blah, blah, as Tarkovsky painfully beats us over the head again and again with philosophizing characters, so that we won’t possibly doubt the Extreme Seriousness of Deciding to Live by Faith. Sven Nykvist’s cinematography is gorgeous, but at the same time completely distances us from the characters onscreen. Not that these people resemble real human beings at all. THE SACRIFICE has several amazing images but watching it was a maddening experience.
Broadcast News [1987]
1. Squeaky button.
2. He sings and reads at the same time.
3. “Wouldn’t this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?”
Blade Runner [1982]
1. Two men herd ostriches through the market.
2. Bloody plastic raincoat.
3. Did the piano come with the apartment or did he already own it? It must be quite a chore to get a piano up to the 97th floor.
The Sound of Music [1965]
1. The steps become staff paper.
2. “Why am I always last?”
“Because you’re the most important!”
3. He takes the wrong tack by saying, “You’ll never be one of them.”
Die Another Day [2002]
1. A worse song than The Man with the Golden Gun?
2. Judi Dench is a master. She doesn’t smile; instead she displays the mere hint of a smile.
3. A catfight with swords.
Welcome to L.A. [1976]
1. An unexplained obsession with venison.
2. “I don’t mind waiting. It’s how you wait that counts, I think.”
3. She tweaks his bowtie and then says, “Your tie is crooked.”
“Don’t do that,” he says gently.
This movie is very strange and very bad. It leads nowhere, makes precious little sense, and is punctuated by some of the worst songs I’ve ever heard. The differences between this junk and Nashville, a masterpiece, are startling. I want so badly to like Alan Rudolph but I’ve yet to see a movie of his I could actually like.
Far From Heaven [2002]
1. She wears a purple coat that Edith Head would be proud of.
2. The room is dim. An orange branch, in a vase, glowing. In front of a frosted window. A perfect evocation of All That Heaven Allows.
3. He gently kisses her hand. She looks at him sideways–can’t bring herself to face him directly.
No Blade of Grass [1970]
1. Every time the word “cannibalism” is mentioned in the film, there is a short pause so that everyone can express how distasteful they think it is.
2. She pays dearly for her attachment to her pots and pans.
3. The band of travelers makes its way past the aqueduct.
Wish I could say it was worth the wait to have finally seen this, but …
It does have a pretty awesome biker shootout sequence, but Panic in Year Zero is a much better film.
Burke and Hare [2010]
1. “Watch your language, you fucking son of a bitch bastard!”
2. Dr. Knox jiggles the belly of the corpse.
3. Burke still resides in Edinburgh.
Blink and you’ll miss a cameo by Ray Harryhausen.
