3 things about Ruben Fleischer’s ZOMBIELAND

Zombieland [2009]

1. “Corn syrup, and a little black licorice for the ladies.”
2. Mike White gets caught with his pants down.
3. He pries the hands off the steering wheel. Hands that aren’t attached to anything.

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Properly Sauced: Speedy’s Special

What sort of cocktail do I mix up when there’s some bourbon handy and steel guitar wizard Speedy West is on my stereo? Speedy’s Special of course.

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3 things about Paul Thomas Anderson’s THERE WILL BE BLOOD

There Will Be Blood [2007]

1. Fletcher taps Plainview on the shoulder, waking him up. Plainview goes back to working on the accounts.
2. “Don’t be thick with me, Al!”
3. The bowling ball knocks over the bucket of water.

3 other things. And 3 other things.

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3 things about Jennie Livingston’s PARIS IS BURNING

Paris Is Burning [1990]

1. “Everybody wanted to be Marilyn Monroe. Nobody wanted to be Lena Horne.”
2. “Having the vagina does not mean you will have a fabulous life.”
3. The 13-year old and the 15-year old, embracing openly on the streets of New York City at 2:30 in the morning.

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3 things about John Glen’s THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS

The Living Daylights [1987]

1. Q takes some heart pills.
2. Swallowing sofa.
3. Even though she acts completely surprised to see him again, she nevertheless has a pre-iced shaker of martinis sitting on the table.

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3 things about Sean Bohary & Cinqué Lee’s BURN OUT THE DAY

Burn Out the Day [2009]

1. “I don’t even know 52 women!”
2. In order to stay hard, he chants, “Philip Glass. Philip Glass. Philip Glass.”
3. He sits on a plastic chair under the shower.

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3 things about Martin Scorsese’s CAPE FEAR

Cape Fear [1991]

1. Missing piano wire.
2. Robert Mitchum drawls, “Well, pardon me all over the place.”
3. The giant rock smacks the mud where his head had been only a few seconds before.

Seeing it again for the first time in many years, I find it almost as pathetic as Gus Van Sant’s Psycho. Here we have a filmmaker at the height his powers squandering his formidable mastery of technique on material so morally bankrupt, it’s indefensible. Utter nihilism.  It isn’t even fun to watch. The message seems to be: human beings are shit, and evil is all but impervious. To satisfy the requirement to have at least five climaxes too many, Max Cady becomes superhuman: you can’t outthink him, outrun him, outtalk him, beat him to death, burn him up, punch him out, or smash his head with giant rocks. You end up hating everyone in the movie, and everyone behind the camera. Freddie Francis’ gorgeous cinematography is for naught. Not only is there so much technique that it’s senseless, but there seems to be a competition to see who can chew the most scenery (De Niro’s sham of a Southern accent, Jessica Lange on the edge of a nervous breakdown, Juliette Lewis auditioning for the role of Lolita, and Nick Nolte emulating the passing of multiple kidney stones.) At least a De Palma film has sense of humor, a sense of camp. Both are completely missing from this movie … except during Gregory Peck’s cameo, which is awesome.

Scorsese can be so frustrating. This is the same man who made After Hours and Kundun?!

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STORIES FROM THE GRID: Cermak/Grove

Being part of a series involving Chicago and its surroundings.

The evening rush hour of a warm and windy spring day. A woman wearing a hot pink sweatsuit and a turquoise headband is walking east. She stops at the intersection, waits for the light to change. Looking across the street at a small patch of weedy grass she spots a group of two geese and three goslings. She watches them pad through the grass and jump the curb onto the asphalt. Without hesitation she steps into traffic. She waves at the cars to stop. They do, and the geese slowly make their way across the street. They get to the other side and continue on their way, paying no attention to her.

At her feet she notices an empty bottle of Little Syd’s Gin & Grapefruit Liqueur.

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3 things about Daniel Kraus’ PROFESSOR

Professor [2010]

1. Operation Iraqi Freedom baseball cap.
2. “And I know exactly when that moment will be, when our retirement account has enough of what Mike Royko called ‘fuck you’ money.”
3. In the middle of a long, passionate monologue he suddenly turns to a student and says, “Why aren’t you taking notes?” He pauses for just a few seconds before continuing.

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3 things about Albert Brooks’ MODERN ROMANCE

Modern Romance [1981]

1. “I’m alone now. I don’t want any Quaaludes–what am I going to do, hug myself?”
2. In full jogging regalia, he executes stretches while chanting, “1-2-3-Idon’tevenmissher-2-3. 1-2-3-Idon’tevenmissher-2-3.”
3. He air-writes down the guy’s phone number.

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